I have not written on this blog for a while, but it seemed like the perfect time to pick up The Grumpy Spiritualist narrative again.
The last few years has been a period of intense transformation for me, on every level. A journey to who I am at the core. Sometimes dark, often scary. It led me to great lows and great highs. And I came out on the other side. I came out knowing who I am, what my Purpose in life is, and a knowing about how that can serve other people.
And then, a global pandemic happened. So, I find myself back on the rollercoaster again.
What do you see?
More accurately, what do you choose to see?
Look around you.
Fear, uncertainty, doubt, darkness, death.
Or… hope, opportunity, reinvention, rebirth.
If you were to ask me what I see, it depends on what day you ask me. In the emotional rollercoaster that we find ourselves riding at this time, it’s easy to focus on the negativity.
I find myself in a neverending loop of doing, in an effort to avoid all of the emotions stirring up within me. Something interesting happened, when I forced myself to step back. I realised that it was not the actual situation per se, that was stirring up the emotions, but that old patterns that I thought I had let go of were being triggered in me again.
What is the opportunity here?
I had a conversation last week, with a particularly profound banker (yes, they do exist). What he said, sank in at a deep level.
This is a chance for a complete human reset to occur. When any element is subjected to immense pressure or heat, its molecular structure is irreversibly changed. For example, when water is boiled and it cools down again, its structure is different from what it was before.
There is immense pressure now being applied to all of us. That means there is an opportunity to go on an inner, reflective journey, and come ‘home’ to our inner self.
The truth is that whilst we are busy getting on with the business of work and life, we can avoid facing those deeply buried issues. When everything we thought was safe and secure is shaken, we are invited to go within.
What limiting beliefs have come up for me?
Stepping into your power and going within, involves loss & sacrifice – the more we start to transform internally, the more we crave a different type of connection. That can involve growing apart from or leaving behind people and beliefs that we have held onto dearly for a long time. It could even mean leaving behind a part of yourself or the ‘old you’ entirely. (Although, I will always cling onto my sarcasm for dear life!) Like many things, I did not even know that I felt that, until it was brought to my awareness.
I’m all alone, when it comes down to it – when I was growing up, I always leaned very heavily on my friends’ emotionally, because of the way I felt inside. I felt emotionally trapped, trying to prop up two depressed parents as a teenager, and I felt trapped in an abusive romantic relationship in my early 20’s. I felt disappointed that other people couldn’t help or ‘fix’ the way I was feeling. So, I stopped asking for help or expressing my emotions to my friends for two reasons: 1) I didn’t want to be disappointed and 2) I didn’t want anyone else to be subjected to the feeling of being my emotional crutch. So, when I was in pain, I battled on alone or got really angry. Yesterday, I was particularly down, and I decided to do something I almost never do. I rang a dear friend of mine, and he just listened to me. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Although, we may feel like it sometimes, we are never really alone.
I don’t have control – well, of course, we don’t have control of what happens externally. We never did. It’s just much more obvious now. I looked at what I could control in a manifestly uncontrollable situation (global pandemic!). The ‘doing’ became a way to assert control. And to also, assert control over my emotions, by preventing myself from feeling them fully. In the absence of distraction, I found yet more ways to distract myself.
I invite you to ask yourself…
What are you distracting yourself from?
What are you afraid of, if you lose control?
What emotions are stirring up in you right now (if you’re allowing them to), and what can you learn from them?
What’s really important to me?
What do I want to create in the world?
Need some help?
During this unsettling time, I also invite you to take care of yourself and serve others, in the best way that you can.
If any of you want to connect with me for a chat, I’m here!
Need some help getting out of your head?
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Grumpy Spiritualist 